Case Study #3

Does Compromise Work?

John and his wife Mary agreed she would keep the family books. She likes detail and is good at it. John is a “big picture” guy, always dreaming up new business ideas and having lofty ambitions to implement them.

When the end of the month credit card bills arrived Mary would call for a sit down meeting with him to go over charges. Some were legitimate and others, she told him were “whimsical” (as she tried to control the frustration she felt roiling inside her stomach). He, on the other hand, felt criticized and deflated. Mary wasn’t set on humiliating him, but he perceived the tone in her voice and felt not only humiliated but deeply shamed. He didn’t want to repeat this scenario again next month. He took action. Without telling Mary he opened another credit card and put purchases he
thought she wouldn’t like on that card. This worked for a number of months. Even though the balance was growing he felt relief as he was free of Mary’s judgment.

Then the inevitable happened. The bill for his credit card came before he had a chance to sequester it. When Mary opened it she exploded – nearly $800 on big idea items. John came home to a storm of fury. Defensively, John stammered, “How dare you open my mail. You have no respect!”

The next day John reluctantly agreed to talk. They both apologized, though they didn’t really mean it because they both felt hurt and betrayed. Stuck, they agreed to see a financial therapist they had heard about from a friend.

As they explained their “stuckness” to the therapist, the therapist suggested they sit in two back to back chairs in order to hear each other without looking at facial expressions. He then instructed them to take turns listening to each other without interrupting and say back what they heard. In this process there was space to be a little less reactive to what they were hearing and feeling. Through this process they came to respectfully understand their differences and were thus able to work out a compromise approach to working with their money.

Mary agreed that John should have his own bank account and John agreed to be more mindful of his spending.  He further agreed they should continue meeting with the financial therapist so he could learn to deal with Mary’s judgments of his money behavior and for Mary to learn not to be so judgemental!